Invisible Rules in Dysfunctional Families (And How to Break Them)
Episode 108
If you've ever walked into a family gathering and immediately felt yourself shrink, go quiet, or slip back into an old version of yourself, you're not imagining things.
You're likely bumping up against invisible family rules that have been running the show since childhood. This is such a common experience for people who are children of dysfunctional families.
These aren't the kind of rules anyone sits you down and explains.
They're not posted on the fridge or written in a family mission statement.
They live in your body.
They show up as jaw clenching at the dinner table, that knot in your stomach when someone asks how you're really doing, or the automatic smile you paste on even when everything inside you is screaming.
I'm Sarah Herstich, trauma therapist and host of The Complex Trauma Podcast. I work specifically with folks navigating complex PTSD, and one pattern I see over and over is how deeply these invisible rules get wired into our nervous systems. In a recent episode with trauma and emdr therapist Abby Albright, we broke down the six types of invisible rules that show up in dysfunctional families and how they intensify during the holidays.
Let's talk about what these rules are, how to recognize them, and most importantly, how to start breaking them.
What Are Dysfunctional Families?
Here's a working definition that lands for a lot of people: a dysfunctional family is any system where a child has to disconnect from their emotions, needs, or identity to stay connected or keep the peace.
Go ahead and read that again.
It's not about whether your parents loved you or whether there were "good times" mixed in with the hard stuff. It's about whether you learned early on that being yourself, feeling your feelings, or having needs was somehow a threat to your belonging.
These families aren't bad or broken. Often, they're dealing with their own unhealed trauma, systemic oppression, or impossible circumstances. But the impact on kids growing up in these systems is real. When connection feels conditional, children develop strategies to survive. Those strategies become invisible rules.
And here's the thing: these rules don't just live in your head as thoughts. They get encoded in your nervous system. They become automatic. Which is why, even decades later, you can walk into your childhood home and feel like you're 12 years old again.
The 6 Types of Invisible Family Rules
Emotional Rules: Don't Feel, Don't Be Sad
These are the rules that govern which emotions are acceptable and which ones need to be shoved down, hidden, or fixed immediately.
Common emotional rules include:
Don't feel (period)
Don't be angry
Don't be sad
Don't be too excited or too happy
The "don't be sad" rule is massive. It often gets dressed up as "just be grateful" or "stay positive" or "don't be so dramatic." Maybe sadness was too uncomfortable for the adults in your family to hold. Maybe there was an unspoken belief that negative emotions were weak or self-indulgent. Whatever the reason, you learned early that sadness wasn't welcome.
Here's what happens: when you can't allow yourself to feel sadness, you also struggle to feel grief, disappointment, or any emotion that might be labeled "too much." And here's the kicker, when you tamp down one emotion, you often tamp them all down. Joy becomes muted. Excitement feels dangerous. You end up living in this narrow emotional bandwidth because anything outside of it feels threatening.
This shows up physically too. Jaw clenching. Shoulders up by your ears. That chronic back pain that flares up every Thanksgiving week. Your body is literally holding what you're not allowed to feel.
Need-Based Rules: Don't Need Anything
These rules dictate who gets to have needs and whose needs get centered in the family system.
Common need-based rules:
Don't need anything
Don't ask for help
Don't expect repair when someone hurts you
Don't expect consistency
This often shows up in sibling dynamics or when one family member absorbs all the emotional oxygen in the room. Maybe you had a sibling with significant needs, or a parent whose emotions took up all the space. You learned to get small, stay quiet, and handle everything yourself.
Fast forward to adulthood, and you're the friend who deflects every time someone asks how you're doing. "I'm good! But tell me about you." You're uncomfortable receiving gifts. You hate asking for help, even when you desperately need it. The idea of having needs feels burdensome.
During the holidays, this can look like being unable to ask for what you actually want (or need) from family gatherings. Everyone's sending their wish lists, and you're like, "Oh, I don't need anything." Even when you do. Even when it would feel good to be thought of and cared for in that specific way.
Relational Rules: Don't Rock the Boat
These rules regulate how connection, belonging, and communication operate within the family.
Common relational rules:
Don't rock the boat
Don't be different
Don't outshine anyone
Don't question authority
"Don't outshine anyone" hits hard for a lot of people, particularly those socialized as women. It's the rule that says dim yourself down. Take the back seat. Don't shine too bright because it might make someone else feel bad.
This shows up when someone asks what's new in your life and you default to "Nothing much," even when actually, there's a lot happening. Maybe you got a promotion, or you're working on something you're really proud of, or you've been doing this healing work that's changing your life. But sharing it feels unsafe. What if it makes someone jealous? What if they think you're showing off? What if your success somehow threatens the family dynamic?
The "don't be different" rule is particularly brutal during the holidays. As you grow, change, heal, and evolve, this rule demands you show up exactly the same way you always have, just to keep everyone comfortable. Even if that version of you doesn't exist anymore.
Role-Based Rules: Stay in Your Lane
In dysfunctional family systems, roles can become incredibly rigid. You're the responsible one. The easy one. The emotional one. The funny one who lightens the mood. The scapegoat who absorbs everyone's projections.
These roles dictate who you're expected to be, and stepping outside of them rocks the boat in a major way. When you start showing up differently - setting boundaries, expressing needs, being honest about your feelings - it creates tension. The system doesn't know what to do with you anymore.
This is what makes being a pattern breaker so hard. You're not just changing yourself. You're disrupting an entire family system that has organized itself around everyone staying in their assigned roles.
Loyalty Rules: Protect the Family Image
These are about allegiance to the family system above your own wellbeing.
The big one here is protecting the family image. The version of your family that exists on Facebook, at church, in your neighborhood - that's the version everyone sees. And there's often an unspoken rule that you don't mess with that image. You don't tell people what really happens behind closed doors.
This is the "slap a smile on your face" rule. You can be going at it in the car on the way to the holiday party, but the second you walk through the door, everything's fine. Everyone's happy. Look at this lovely, functional family.
The amount of self-abandonment required to maintain that image is staggering. And your body keeps the score. All that holding, all that performing, all that pretending - it has to go somewhere.
Safety Rules: Don't Trust Your Gut
When we zoom out and look at all of these rules together, what becomes clear is that they're fundamentally about safety. Or more accurately, the lack of it.
In dysfunctional families, it often doesn't feel safe to:
Feel your actual feelings
Have needs
Be yourself
Question what's happening
Trust your own perception of reality
When safety is compromised on every level - within your family, within the larger systems we're all navigating, within your own body - these invisible rules become survival strategies. They're not character flaws. They're not you being "too sensitive" or "making things harder than they need to be." They're evidence that your nervous system did exactly what it needed to do to help you survive.
How Invisible Rules Show Up During the Holidays
The holidays turn the volume up on all of this.
You might notice yourself:
Reverting to old patterns the second you walk through the door
Feeling unable to set boundaries about when you arrive or when you leave
Putting on a performance of happiness even when you're struggling
Going silent and small, hanging out in the corner
Taking care of everyone else while ignoring your own needs
Feeling guilty for wanting something different
There's also the added layer of what you're seeing online and in the media. "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Happy families everywhere. The cultural message is clear: you should be grateful, joyful, and connected right now.
When your actual experience doesn't match that, it can create shame. "Is it just my family?" "Am I the problem?" "Why can't I just be happy?"
Here's the truth: if the holidays feel complicated, it's because they are. For a lot of people. Despite what the commercials and Instagram posts might suggest.
Small Steps to Interrupt Family Patterns
So what do you do with all of this? How do you start breaking invisible rules that are wired so deeply into your system?
Start with curiosity, not judgment. Just notice. Which rules are you bumping up against? What patterns are showing up? This awareness itself is a form of reorganization. You're creating a little space between the automatic response and your conscious choice.
Find where you have choice. Maybe you can't change the whole family dynamic this year. Maybe it doesn't feel safe to fully show up as your evolving self. But where do you have small amounts of choice? Can you leave an hour earlier than usual? Can you take a walk when things get intense? Can you choose not to engage with that one family member who always baits you?
Choice doesn't have to be big to be powerful.
Practice the pattern interrupt somewhere safe first. If it doesn't feel like the time to interrupt these rules with your family, practice in other relationships. With friends. With your therapist. In spaces where you feel more secure. Your nervous system needs evidence that it's safe to do things differently before it'll let you take bigger risks.
Use containment when awareness feels like too much. Sometimes just recognizing these patterns can feel destabilizing. Like the ground is shaking underneath you. If that's happening, you can mentally put these realizations in a container - a box, a drawer, whatever image works for you - and save them for when you have space to process. With your therapist. In your journal. After you've left the family gathering and you're back in your own space.
Remember: you're not alone in this. So many people are navigating dysfunctional family dynamics, especially during the holidays. Your experience is valid. Your complicated feelings are valid. You're not too sensitive, too much, or making a big deal out of nothing.
Give yourself permission to not love this time of year. It's okay if the holidays aren't your favorite. It's okay if you're just trying to get through them. You don't have to perform gratitude or joy if that's not what's true for you.
Finding Support When Family Feels Complicated
Breaking invisible family rules is deep work. It's not something you have to do alone, and honestly, it's not something you should try to do alone.
If you're recognizing yourself in these patterns and you want support:
Find a trauma-informed therapist who understands complex PTSD and family systems
Consider somatic approaches like EMDR that help you work with what's stored in your body, not just what you can logic your way through
Connect with communities (online or in person) where people get it
Listen to resources like this podcast that help you understand you're not alone
These invisible rules shaped you, but they don't have to define you forever. You can learn new ways of being. You can practice showing up more authentically. You can heal.
It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a lot of self-compassion. But it's possible.
And if you're in the thick of family time right now, just remember: you're doing the best you can. That's enough.
Did this Episode Help? Pass It On!
Listen to the full conversation with Abby Albright on The Complex Trauma Podcast. If this episode resonates with you, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify- it helps other people navigating complex trauma find these resources.
Abby Albright is launching a six-week trauma-informed yoga therapy group in February 2025. Learn more about yoga with Abby at Reclaim Therapy.