How to Set Boundaries With Family Who Won't Listen
Episode 109
You set a boundary. They ignored it. You repeated yourself calmly. They pushed again. And by the fourth time, you weren't redirecting anymore, you were yelling, crying, or walking out the door.
Now you're sitting with shame, replaying the whole thing, wondering what's wrong with you.
Here's what I need you to know: your reaction wasn't a failure. It was your nervous system doing exactly what it's designed to do when your words stop working.
The Question Trauma Survivors Ask
A listener recently asked about setting boundaries with family during the holidays:
"Over Thanksgiving, I had a family member who constantly pushed boundaries that I set. They would continue with their actions even though I had asked them to stop and this caused me to lose my temper. I snapped and it caused tension for the rest of the family visit. What can I do to get ready for Christmas?"
If this is you, I have a feeling you've been beating yourself up since Thanksgiving. Replaying it, cringing, wondering if there's something wrong with you.
Here's the truth: what happened was your body responding to a real threat to your safety and dignity. Your reaction makes sense. And now we get to figure out how to protect yourself in a way that doesn't cost you your peace next time.
What Really Happens When Family Violates Your Boundaries
Let me paint a picture of what this often looks like.
You've done the work. You've been in therapy. You've practiced setting boundaries. You even have phrases written down in your notes app. You have a whole plan.
The first hour goes well. Someone comments on your parenting, you calmly redirect. Someone pushes about your life choices, you hold your ground and change the subject.
You're proud of yourself.
Then it happens again. And again. Different person, same energy.
It's like your words are evaporating. Someone nods, says okay, and then minutes later circles right back to the exact thing you said wasn't up for discussion.
By the fourth or fifth time someone completely disregards what you just said, treating your boundaries like suggestions, you feel it.
Heat rising in your chest. Throat getting tight. Hands shaking. Heart pounding.
And then you snap.
Not a gentle redirect, but a full voice raise. "Why does no one in this family actually listen to me?"
You might be crying, which makes you angrier. You grab your keys and leave. You sit in your car for 20 minutes, shaking, replaying everything, feeling humiliated and furious and weirdly justified all at once.
Then you drive home feeling like a failure. Like all that therapy was pointless. Like you're not healed enough, evolved enough, calm enough.
Sound familiar?
Your Nervous System Is Doing Its Job
Here's what I want you to understand: that response was your nervous system doing its job. After multiple violations, your body said "words aren't working, time to get loud."
The Science Behind Losing Your Temper
When someone violates your boundary the first time, your nervous system notices. Heart rate picks up. Shoulders tense. Your body says "something's off."
You're still in your window of tolerance- that zone where you can think clearly, respond instead of react, and access your therapy skills.
By the second and third violations, your sympathetic nervous system ramps up. Cortisol and adrenaline flood your bloodstream. Your prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking) starts going offline. Blood redirects from your thinking brain to your limbs because your body thinks you might need to fight or run.
You're moving outside your window of tolerance.
By the fourth violation, your window is razor thin. Your body is screaming that this is dangerous, even though you're sitting at a table with mashed potatoes.
By the time you lose your temper, you're not making a choice. You're in a survival response. Your amygdala has hijacked your system.
Stephen Porges talks about this in Polyvagal Theory. Our nervous systems constantly scan for safety or danger through a process called neuroception, outside our conscious awareness.
When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, especially someone who's supposed to care about you, your body reads that as danger. Your nervous system doesn't care about holiday spirit. It cares about survival.
When your words keep getting dismissed, your body interprets: "I'm not safe here. My needs don't matter. I need to do something bigger to be heard."
Why Family Boundary Violations Hit Harder
These aren't new patterns. Your nervous system has a history with these people. It remembers every past Thanksgiving where boundaries were ignored, every childhood dinner where feelings didn't matter, every time you tried to speak up and got shut down.
You're not just responding to this year's violation. You're responding to decades of them.
Your nervous system knew your boundary would be violated again before your thinking brain caught up. It was already preparing for battle.
If you grew up in a family where boundaries were consistently violated, where emotional needs weren't met, where you had to suppress feelings to keep the peace, your window of tolerance is probably narrower to begin with. You're starting the gathering already closer to the edge.
This isn't a deficit. It's an adaptation. Your nervous system learned early that this environment isn't safe.
The Role You Played Makes It Worse
When you start setting boundaries in a family that's never had them, the system pushes back hard. Your boundaries disrupt homeostasis, the way things have always been.
As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab brilliantly explains: when your family resists your boundaries, that's not information about whether your boundaries are valid. It's information about how much the family system relied on you not having any.
If You Were the Peacekeeper
Your family is used to you absorbing everyone's discomfort, accommodating, not rocking the boat. When you say "I'm not doing that anymore," the system freaks out. They test your boundary. They act like you're being difficult because you're changing rules they've played by for decades.
If You Were the Scapegoat
Boundary violations confirm that old story—your needs don't matter, you're the problem, everyone else's comfort is more important. Your nervous system responds to a lifetime of being told you don't get to have limits.
If You Were Parentified
Having boundaries violated triggers that old feeling of being responsible for everyone else at your own expense. You might feel guilty for having boundaries, like you're being selfish.
Setting boundaries in your family isn't about one conversation. It's about fundamentally shifting the role you've played your entire life. That's why your body responds so strongly—the stakes are high.
The Game-Changer: Boundaries vs. Requests
Here's what might shift everything for you.
Boundaries exist to protect you, not control other people.
If your boundary requires someone else to change their behavior to work, it's not a boundary. It's a request. And requests can be denied.
When you say "don't comment on my body," that's a request. A reasonable, valid request—but still a request because its effectiveness depends on their compliance.
A boundary sounds like:
"If you comment on my body, I will end this conversation."
"If you don't stop poking fun at me, I'm leaving the room."
"If you continue criticizing me, I won't attend future gatherings."
The power is in your action, not their compliance.
I know that feels harsh. But here's what happens when we set boundaries that are really requests: we feel powerless when people don't respect them. We keep saying the words, nothing changes, and we lose our temper because our nervous system screams "we're not safe" and nothing we're doing works.
Research on boundary setting shows people experience less distress and better outcomes when their boundary includes a specific consequence they control. It's not punitive. It's being clear about what you need to feel safe and what you'll do to create that safety.
Why Family Systems Resist Your Boundaries
Family systems with poor boundaries often operate on enmeshment, the expectation that everyone's needs are merged, we always accommodate each other, and individual boundaries are selfish or a betrayal.
In enmeshed families, prioritizing your wellbeing over family harmony is seen as a fundamental violation. You're supposed to just deal with it, be the bigger person, understand "that's just how they are."
Salvador Minuchin, who developed structural family therapy, talks about how enmeshed families have poor differentiation, where one person ends and another begins is blurry.
When you set a boundary, it feels to the system like you're cutting yourself off, rejecting them, saying you don't love them.
But differentiation isn't rejection. It's health. It's saying "I can love you and have limits. I can be part of this family and protect my nervous system."
The resistance you're experiencing isn't because your boundaries are wrong. It's because the family system wasn't built to accommodate them.
6 Strategies to Protect Yourself This Christmas
Let's talk about how you actually prepare for the holidays. Not by trying harder to keep your cool or being more evolved, but by getting clear about what you're willing to do to protect yourself.
1. Define Your Actual Boundaries (Not Wishes)
Before Christmas, get clear on what your actual boundaries are. Not what you wish people would do, but what you are willing to do.
What topics or behaviors feel most activating? If they happen, what will you actually do?
Examples:
"If someone comments on my body, I'll change the subject once. If they do it again, I'm leaving the conversation."
"I'll stay for two hours, then I'm leaving regardless."
"If this particular person is there, I'm not going."
Write these down. When your nervous system is activated, you won't think clearly. You need to know ahead of time what your boundary is so you can enforce it.
2. Communicate Ahead of Time (If Safe)
If safe, have a conversation before Christmas. Not to convince them or defend yourself, but to be clear about what will happen.
"At Thanksgiving, things got heated when you kept poking fun at me. At Christmas, if that happens, I'm going to step away. I wanted you to know ahead of time."
You're not asking permission. You're informing them of what you'll do. Your boundary is about your behavior, not theirs.
Skip this if the conversation would escalate things. Your boundary can exist without announcing it.
3. Lower Your Expectations
If someone violated your boundaries at Thanksgiving, they'll probably do it again at Christmas.
Expecting different behavior sets you up for disappointment and gives your nervous system false hope. People show you who they are—believe them.
Go in knowing violations will probably happen. When you expect it, your nervous system isn't shocked. You're not adding "I can't believe they did that again" on top of the actual violation.
4. Create Your Exit Strategy
Have a concrete plan for when (not if) you need to leave.
Tell someone safe: "If you see me escalating, I might need to step out."
Know where the bathroom is, where your coat is
Give yourself permission to leave early, skip dessert, say you're not feeling well
Stay for two hours instead of six
Meet at a restaurant so you control when you leave
Drive separately
Knowing there's an escape route helps you stay calmer.
5. Schedule Regulation Breaks
Don't wait until you're escalated. Every 30-60 minutes, reset:
Cold water on wrists in the bathroom
Step outside for five deep breaths
Sit in your car for a few minutes
Text a friend who gets it
Use bilateral tapping if you've done EMDR
These moments help you stay in your window of tolerance and discharge building activation before it overwhelms you.
6. Choose What You'll Engage With
You don't have to respond to every comment, defend your choices, or convince anyone of anything.
Sometimes the most powerful boundary is silence, a neutral "hmm," then changing the subject or walking away.
You don't owe anyone access to you just because it's the holidays. You don't have to go, stay, or perform happy family togetherness if it costs your peace.
Choosing not to attend is a boundary too.
If You Lose Your Temper Again
There's a good chance you might. Here's your plan:
Get yourself safe. Leave the room, go outside, get to your car. Remove yourself so your nervous system can regulate.
Support yourself in the moment. Let yourself cry. Your body is full of stress hormones and needs to move that energy through.
Decide if you want to repair. Repair doesn't always mean apologizing. Sometimes it's: "I raised my voice because my boundary was violated multiple times. I'm taking space now."
You can acknowledge your behavior without taking responsibility for the entire situation. You can say "I wish I'd handled that differently" without saying "I'm sorry for having boundaries."
If they try to make it about your reaction instead of their behavior: "We can talk about my tone when we talk about why my boundary was ignored four times."
The Truth About Healing
Losing your temper doesn't erase your work. It doesn't mean you're not healing or that you're failing.
It means your nervous system responded as designed. You have limits and when they're repeatedly crossed, your body responds.
The goal isn't becoming someone who never gets angry. The goal is understanding what's happening in your body, having compassion for your nervous system, and setting yourself up with strategies that honor your actual capacity.
Don't prepare for Christmas by becoming a more evolved version of yourself. Prepare by being realistic, having a plan, knowing what you'll actually do to protect yourself, and understanding that your worth isn't determined by how well you keep it together at a family gathering.
Get More Support
Free Dysregulation SOS Toolkit: Nervous system regulation techniques you can use in real time, including covert techniques for the dinner table. Download here
Have a question for the podcast? Record it here
To whoever asked this question: I'm proud of you for having boundaries in the first place. That's the hardest part. The rest is learning to work with your body and getting clear about what you'll do to take care of yourself.
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