Why Traditional Therapy Isn't Enough for Complex Trauma

Episode 112

If you've been in therapy for years and still wake up feeling empty some mornings, if you've collected diagnoses like trading cards, or if someone's told you to "just breathe" one more time and you wanted to scream, this one's for you.

I sat down with Thomas Zimmerman, EMDR therapist, consultant, and author of "EMDR with Complex Trauma," to talk about why so many trauma survivors spin their wheels in traditional therapy and what actually creates transformation.

The Problem With How We Talk About Trauma

Here's what Thomas sees all the time: people walk into his office with a list of what's "wrong" with them. Bipolar. Borderline. Difficult. Problem client.

But here's what he actually sees: "I think you were a human that was born with needs that probably really struggled to get your needs met. And that has consequences in learning and development."

That reframe matters. Because the cultures that wound us aren't great at explaining that something might be wounding, especially when they're the ones causing it.

Why "Just Think Positive" Doesn't Work

If you've ever been frustrated that you can't just think your way out of your trauma responses, Thomas has some validation for you.

"When we're really activated, we're not really thinking," he explains. "Trauma isn't a problem of how you're thinking. It's not really a problem of strength or willpower or not having the right thoughts."

Trauma is learning. And it's learning that's specifically designed not to change easily because it's about survival.

Your anxiety isn't happening because you're not trying hard enough or because you haven't found the right affirmation. It's happening because your nervous system learned something about the world and stored that learning in a way that bypasses your thinking brain entirely.

What Makes EMDR Different

So if we can't think our way out of trauma, what actually works?

Thomas explains that EMDR lets us point at a specific memory and update it with right now information. You're not reliving the experience—you're letting all parts of you realize, for sure, that the memory is over.

"Even if it's a bad memory, it's a bad memory that's subjectively over," he says. "And it doesn't IMAX into your awareness the way it used to."

But here's the thing nobody tells you: with complex trauma, EMDR isn't brief. It's probably going to take a few years of work.

And you know what? That's okay. Because 158,000 hours happened in childhood. That's a lot of learning.

The Part Nobody Warns You About

Here's where it gets real: lots of people with complex trauma have survived by NOT slowing down, being present, and noticing.

So when a therapist says "let's do some mindfulness," your nervous system might be screaming "absolutely not."

Thomas shared a story about a client who, before they'd even sat down for their first session, pointed at him and said: "Don't you even start with that breathing crap."

She brought it. And honestly? That makes complete sense.

If you've survived by staying busy, by moving fast, by never stopping long enough to feel—of course mindfulness feels impossible. Of course slowing down feels dangerous.

How to Actually Build Tolerance (Without Retraumatizing Yourself)

The solution isn't to force yourself through 17-minute guided meditations that make you want to crawl out of your skin.

Thomas suggests starting with three seconds. Maybe checking in with each sense for two seconds. The whole exercise? Thirty-five seconds, and you can stop anytime.

Think about a kid at a pool with floaties on. They don't dive into the deep end. They put one foot in, then back up. Put their foot in again, giggle, back up. By the end of the evening, they're bouncing in the shallow end.

"We didn't just get that kid and throw them in the deep end," Thomas says. "But that's what we endlessly do."

The Gratitude Part (That Actually Matters)

Before we talk about changing anything, Thomas wants to acknowledge the survival strategies that got you here.

"This coping strategy allowed you to survive. We want to be thankful for that."

Being busy has probably let you do some pretty cool things in the world. Disconnecting has probably protected you from feeling things that would have been overwhelming.

We're not trying to take those strategies away. We're trying to help you step forward when you want to, and step back when you need to.

Because here's the thing about survival strategies: they often have costs. And sometimes those costs become too high.

What "Baseline" Actually Means

If you find yourself ping-ponging between shut down and activated at 1,000, Thomas has an explanation that might help.

People with complex trauma often think they're at a one when they're actually at an eight. We get used to what we carry.

Your baseline—the place your nervous system hangs out most of the time—might be way higher than you realize. Which means there's not much space between where you are and where panic starts.

The work is about learning to tap the brake. Notice that things go back to baseline. Tap the brake again. Notice.

As you practice this, your baseline might start to lower. And as it lowers, you get further away from panic, further away from shutdown.

The Beauty In This Hard Work

I asked Thomas what beauty he sees in the healing work, and his answer landed hard (in the good way).

"You can get yourself back. The past can be over."

Recovery doesn't give you what you didn't get. You still have to go figure out how to love in healthy ways, how to get needs met, how to say no because you want to.

But trauma work can let you experience the world in the way you were always meant to—instead of constantly bracing, constantly dreading.

"For those of us with complex trauma, it will be our life's work. It's not brief. It's not fast. But I think it really is the work of our life."

He calls it one of the few revolutionary acts a human can do and not get into trouble: rescuing yourself from what you've been through.

The Bottom Line

If traditional therapy hasn't worked for you, you're not the problem.

If you can't "just breathe," you're not broken.

If it's taking longer than you expected, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

158,000 hours happened in childhood. A few years of weekly therapy? That's less than one week of a human life in the grand scheme of things.

It's not brief. It's not fast. But it's possible. And it's worth it.

You can find Thomas Zimmerman on YouTube and Facebook (he jokes about being "on the Facebook" and it's honestly delightful). While most of his content is for therapists, trauma survivors tell him they feel seen in what he shares.

And if you're tired of not feeling seen? That's exactly where you start.

Need More Support?

If you're struggling with complex trauma, family dynamics, or the aftermath of difficult holidays, therapy can help. At Reclaim Therapy, we specialize in helping people understand their trauma responses and navigate challenging relationships. Head here to learn more about trauma therapy in Pennsylvania.

Free Dysregulation SOS Toolkit: Nervous system regulation techniques you can use in real time. Download here

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